I've been trying for days, well, years really, to accurately articulate how and why Christmas is so important to me. I haven't been very successful, but I did have this small epiphany:
It's really important to me. And I mean really, really, really important. In an almost unhealthy, obsessive-compulsive way. (One of the many, many compulsions. But that's an entirely different (and long and amusing) post.)
I think this is where part of the explanation lies. As far back as I can remember, the holidays were always the same. We had the same food, the same routines, the same movies, the same traditions every year. No matter what crappy things had happened that year, we always had Christmas and were reminded that we were still a family and that would never change. For this slightly obsessive-compulsive girl, change doesn't come smoothly. I think I still expect Christmas to mean the same things and feel the same as it always has.
Now, I know that it's perfectly fine to make new traditions and I am excited to make some this year. But deep down in my soul, I can't shake the fear that "Christmas just won't be Christmas without _____."
It's an irrational fear that's very real to me. I know it puts way too much expectation on everyone, including myself, but it's not something that I feel I can help. And really, what is the harm in having to have stockings and a tree and watching A Christmas Story at least 5 times?!
The fact that this year will be my first-ever Christmas not spent with my family scares me. Aside from the obvious sadness, it gives me a panic attack to think that I won't have fudge or white cookies, or a huge Christmas dinner, or stockings "mysteriously" filled with miniature dolls and my favorite candy or............
How will it really be Christmas without my family and all of those things??
1 comment:
Baby, it makes me happy to know that the values I have passed on to you and your sister and brothers are cherished. I think having family traditions and a strong sense of closeness in a family are very important. It has been a personal goal as a mother to provide "safe" places that you can go, to feel better, to feel secure and give you that sense of "home". Like the white christmas cookies, chicken and mole and papa salad... comfort foods, you have comfort traditions.
It's good to have them, it's good to want them in your life. As you continue to grow into your Adult womanhood you will start to make your own traditions and change the way you view your childhood. I hope you always remember the good things about them and instill them into your new life. Change is scary, but you've never been too scared to do the things that you really want. Moving to Colorado was scary. Leaving your friends and family in Stillwater was scary. Living in your own apartment was scary but you did it, you've done it all. You have the courage and the strength to do it all. Hold on to the memories, but embrace the new. Be excited about the things you want to do in your life. It's sad to think that we won't be together this Christmas, but it doesn't mean we won't ever be together again. This year will be a start of new and exciting traditions for you and all of us. I love you and I love the way you are (obsessive and compulsive and all) Embrace your new life honey. It's what being an adult is all about.
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